No Salvation Today, Thanks

It wasn't bad, for this type of enounter. You just have to be resolute. I was reading Rascal, just chilling for a few minutes, when there came a firm knocking at the door, and by the time I was halfway down the stairs I knew what it was. A big lady, young, broadly smiling, with a name badge. She told me her name, and asked mine. I gave it, and went on:

"And I'm not interested in any new religions today, thanks."
"Have you ever heard of the Book of Mormon?"
"Did you hear what I just said?" (Still smiling. Nobody stopped smiling during the whole brief encounter.)
"We're just going around seeing how much people know about the Latter Day Saints."
I gave her a look that I hope conveyed a certain affectionate exasperation, the way you'd look at an erring but clever and well-loved child.
"I'm trying to be polite," I said.

I really was, and it takes an effort, because my house is a poor thing but mine own, and I'm kind of territorial about my porch when strangers are standing on it trying to sell me things I don't want. Once these two guys came from a pizza chain, talking about an exciting new program through which I could get free pizza. They asked me if I liked the idea of free pizza and of course you have to say you do and I swear to God, the guy gets out this thick book and said he'd like to walk me through it. I restrained myself with difficulty. Life is hard enough, my friends, without marketing campaigns offering free pizza that you need training to get. If you want me to try your pizza, here's a hint: Hand me a slice. If it's more complicated I'm not interested. They talked about coming back when I had more time and I had to say, "I really don't want to talk to anyone about pizza."

See, I really want to be the kind of crusty old bastard who throws people off his porch—threatens to call the cops if they don't leave, all that. But it's not in me. I try to be polite.

Anyway, she kept smiling, and wished me a wonderful day, and I wished her the same and meant it. I hope she has great success on other people's porches, I really do. I'm going back to my book now, and I hope I won't be further interrupted. I don't care if it's salvation or snack food. My spare time is limited and I'm trying to do some reading. If you're a missionary or a marketer, I truly hope you understand.