My Administration Condemns Grave Robbing in the Strongest Possible Terms

A few months ago we heard that a former leader of Cyprus who was buried because he was dead had been stolen from his grave by grave robbers because that's what grave robbers do, and I thought for sure that I had condemned this at the time but a quick search reveals that maybe I didn't. This blog regrets the omission.

Today we hear the alleged! Innocent until proven! grave robbers have been arrested, and I'm glad, because grave robbers should be arrested, and because I get an opportunity to publicly say that grave robbing is wrong. It's wrong on many levels. Look, you leave a bicycle, a handbag, a camera sitting around, and you're leaving people open to temptation. It's wrong to take those things if they're not yours, but kind of understandable. But a dead body isn't much use to anyone—that's why burying was invented in the first place. Then there are the relatives and friends to consider. LIke most people, I have friends and family who've gone to their reward, and it would bother me considerably to hear that that someone had dug them up and stolen the body. So there's that.

Finally there's the futility of it. I just don't see how your life is going to get better by robbing a grave. The alleged robbers allegedly made ransom demands, but let's face it, this is not like a situation with live hostages. I'm not in favor of taking live hostages either, by the way. I've always maintained that taking hostages creates more problems than it solves. But at least, from the practical point of view, the hostages are alive and harmable. If you took me hostage and threatened to kill me if you weren't paid a certain sum—a couple of hundred bucks, say—somebody would probably pony up. But the key thing you should keep in mind about dead bodies, if you're thinking of robbing graves at some future point, is this: Dead bodies are already dead. It's their most salient feature. What are you going to threaten them with? If you dig up my favorite deceased great aunt and threaten to run her body through a wood chipper, or dress it up in silly hats and put the pictures online, or make it into a coffee table, well, that would be distasteful and I'd oppose it in the strongest possible terms. Anything worth opposing is worth opposing in the strongest possible terms. But if you asked me for some six- or seven-figure sum not to do those things, well, I'd have to wonder about the effects of positive reinforcement. We don't want more grave robbing than exists at present.

So! That's how I feel. In my mind there can be no equivocation, no two-sides-to-every-argument: grave robbing is wrong. If you don't agree, well, just deal with it. In conclusion, I'd like to say that when I was a kid I used to sit up at night and watch movies on TV, and sometimes they'd be film noir movies, and those ones would always freak me out a little because it was about people letting their baser impulses guide them and it never, ever ended well. Those movies always made me swear that I would be a good, decent person and lead a good, decent life. I've logged a few miles and I won't presume to judge myself in this regard but I like to think I've tried. If your own baser impulses have led you to consider robbing graves but you've decided against it because of what I've said here tonight them I'm glad. Sorry to go on at length but I feel strongly about this.